Your presence is everywhere, bringing light into my night.
There is no such thing as darkness with you.
The night, to you, is as bright as the day.
Ps. 139:11,12 TPT
Are you trudging through a seemingly endless dark night of the soul?
Is despair trying to convince you that life is meaningless? Does God even care?
Ten years ago today, March 5th, I entered the darkest season of my life. Our sixteen-year-old son, Nathan, was accidentally hit by a car on the freeway. Four days later he relocated to heaven.
In the merciless grip of grief, I seriously wondered if my light had been snuffed out for good. Being a stranger to this kind of blinding pain, I questioned whether or not I’d survive.
Gerald May’s words come back to me.
Maybe, sometimes, in the midst of things going terribly wrong, something is going just right.
I think Mr. May is on to something.
Six months after Nathan left us, I retired for the night. It was September 6th, the evening before Nathan’s first birthday away from us. Memories of the good times we shared together randomly surfaced on my way into sleep.
We affectionately nicknamed Nathan our unguided missile and little escape artist, when he was around 4 years old. He had an incredible knack for silently slipping out of the house without telling anyone. It was his creative twist on hide and seek.
Those secret wild adventures put us on a first name basis with the city Police Search and Rescue Teams. I’ve lost count of the number of times I called in a panic to report our lost little boy. Yes, we had extra locks and buzzers on the doors 🙂 Nathan just had a sixth sense for picking the right time to accomplish his fun and games.
But rather than writing more about Nathan here, I’d rather tell you the rest of the story as it unfolded that night.
I don’t know the kind of challenges you’re enduring, or griefs you bear. But I do know that heartbreak is part of loving well and being human.
I wonder. Even when you’re asking, “Does God even care?” Is it possible that in the midst of things going terribly wrong, something is going just right for you, as well?
What do you think – yay or nay?
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Thank you for that story. I helped in the 6th grade jr hi group at east hill. He was so joyful and you could see Jesus in him. He was and always will be a joy to this world.
There have been many times in my life your books, posts, and teachings have touched my life. Always right when i need it. Thank you for answering His call. You have most definitely touched my life.
Warm and prayerful thoughts and prayers.,
Marci
I find since the death of my daughter who passed away January 1, 2013 at friend’s house from church due to Epilepsy, I find I get really angry at Epilepsy, feeling alone because my son has no kids nor wants any, and seeing others with their family and feeling love. Sometimes my siblings try to tell me how they feel when they can’t. Their pain is different than mine. I try to be polite until they keep pushing and that’s when I blow a gasket. If they only knew how deep we hurt. I wrote a song that really came from Heaven about this. The words just started coming. When I tried to sing it to one member, he said “oh, i’s one of them songs”. Well when the Lord penned the song to me if he would have listened it talks about our loved ones would look into the eyes of Christ, they would understand. Yes, I am angry at life sometimes….
Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, and God is not the slightest bit daunted by it, and fully understands that is valid given that your heart has been cracked wide open. Some people refuse to acknowledge their anger, seeing it as something ‘bad.’ Your emotional honesty is healthy and will allow you to more effectively process your pain with God and move through it. Keep writing your songs Linda! You are following in David’s steps….check out Psalms 55 in the Passion Translation. Bold honest anger colorfully penned! Be blessed!