Life Letter Cafe recently talked with me about tough questions that surface when we suffer loss.  This is a brief excerpt of the 7 Questions Sunday Q & A.

LifeLetter Cafe: How do you help moms who suffer a loss through the “How can a good God ..?” question? Pam Vredevelt: I think it’s important that women have the freedom to openly share questions like this, and that those supporting them welcome and embrace their emotional honesty.  When we are talking about a life and death subject, why wouldn’t we ask questions about where God fits into our picture? We’ve got to create a safe place that normalizes questions about God, faith, and real life issues.  Grief is confusing.  It leaves us wondering, “Where was God when my baby died?  Why did He allow it?  Where is the goodness in any of this pain? Sad and angry questions are all part of the sorting and wrestling we must do to move forward in the grief process.  God isn’t daunted or offended by these questions. He welcomes them. Glossing over these things or pretending like the questions don’t exist, can arrest our healing. Vocalizing these questions with God, ourselves, and others is a natural part of our faith journey and an important step of growth. Questions and doubts drive us closer to God when we ask Him to reveal His perspective and then watch and listen for His answers. When people question God’s goodness I often think of the phrase coined by Phillip Yancey: “There is a big difference between God and life.”  With every significant loss that I’ve experienced, I’ve learned vital life-changing lessons about myself, others, God, and life. Sometimes God allows in His wisdom what He can prevent with His power.  I cannot answer the question, “Why?” and there are many things I don’t know.  I’d rather choose to focus on what I do know:  God promises to take the worst life throws at us and use it for His highest honor and our highest good.

“Creating an agenda or time table for a friend’s grief is an exercise in futility.” – Pam Vredevelt –

LifeLetter Cafe: Recovery from loss is a process – how do you help concerned family members and friends not create an agenda and timetable of healing and wholeness for a mom going the loss of a child? Pam Vredevelt: That’s a great question David.  Offer a heads up:  grief takes much  more time and energy than most of us expect.  It is not an easy or quick process. The greater the bond the greater the pain. There is not one right way to grieve.  Each individual’s grief experience is unique to them.  We don’t grieve exactly the same way or on the same time line.  Creating an agenda or time table for a friend’s grief is an exercise in futility.  But more important, it can be hurtful.

 “Grief takes much more time and energy than most of us expect.”

People can sense when we are subtly “pushing” them to feel better.  If I could have picked a grief timeline after we lost our baby, I would have chosen the high speed fast forward approach because I don’t like deep heartache, puffy blood shot eyes, or crying in public.  My voice cracks silly, and my nose runs wild.  Vanity aside, grieving a loss is a reflection of our love for the one who is gone.  The deeper you love, the deeper you grieve. Whether we like it or not, grief has a life of its own.  Giving people permission to be real, and accepting them right where they are, assists them towards healing. LifeLetter Cafe: What is perhaps the most critically important portion of your book, Empty Arms? Pam Vredevelt: Over the years I’ve received hundreds of letters from women around the world who have read Empty Arms.  They’re often grateful that the process of suffering is openly exposed through the stories shared by moms and dads in the book.  They also say thank you for the guidance and practical insights passed on by other parents who are ahead of them on the journey through the shadows. LifeLetter Cafe: What positive takeaways can grieving moms (and dads) expect from reading “Empty Arms’? Pam Vredevelt: Those who have suffered a loss will know without a doubt that they are not alone, their pain is valid, there are answers to their questions, and others who have walked their path genuinely care.  They’ll be reassured that roller coaster emotions are normal and find ideas on how to steady their ups and down.  They’ll receive insight as to how to protect themselves from getting stuck in grief, and guidance on how to cooperate with God in healing their broken heart. For the full interview go to:  http://lifelettercafe.com/2016/03/7-questions-sunday-pam-vredevelt-empty-arms/